Every day is different.

Here is another one I started last week....two posts in one day!  Who knew?

Has it really been 4 months?  I have started several posts, but have never finalized them for one reason or another.  And then...there's always something else that needs to be done instead of writing.  Study statistics, laundry, work.  I could work 24/7 on school, job and home for a month and not get caught up.  Do you feel that way too? I'm guessing lots of people do. I've always wondered about people who have nothing to do.  No requirements, no errands to run.  Who actually has the luxury of being bored on their days off?  That makes no sense to me.  There's always something new to try.  In the last 4 months, I have really been able to sink my teeth into my new job.  LOVING IT!  Even on the really hard days.  Every day brings new challenges and new blessings.  Every day is different from the one before.

This year, I have moved...twice. I spent the summer living with my friends in their gorgeous home until I could find an apartment, which I did at the end of August. The brother of one of those friends is now my roommate.  He works in Brazil, so he's only home every other month. I started school again...at ACC.  I am taking a Statistics class this semester to prepare for my grad school work at UT.  This week, I got the news that I was accepted the MSW program!!!!  That begins again in January.  The program I've chosen is 2 & a half years long, and by the time I finish, I will be a Licensed Clinical Social Worker.  Chandra Turner, LCSW has a nice ring to it.  Makes me feel so grateful for the events that have led me to this moment.

I've turned a corner. I'm done with the should have's, would have's, etc.  I am right where I am supposed to be at this very moment in my life.  Are there bad decisions in my past? Absolutely. Everyone probably wishes for a do-over at some point in their lives.  However, those moments do not rule me any longer.  I took a huge step in removing some specific reading material from my computer recently and that has to do with me not looking back anymore.  See the post just before this one for more on that subject.  Since I have removed said material, I feel uplifted.  I have so much to look forward to, so I'm planning on looking up and looking ahead instead of thinking about what might have been.  Feels good, doesn't it?

Looking back

I have become such a loser when it comes to writing on my blog.  I have started 3 posts in recent months, and then just never finished them.  I guess it's b/c I start writing when I'm in the midst of some emotion & then when I reread the material later, in a rational frame of mind, it usually sounds ridiculous to me.  So here's one I started back over the summer, on a day when I was struggling with old ghosts in particular.

Anyone who knows me well can attest to the fact that I am my own worst critic. I am SUPER hard on myself for what I see now as mistakes that I have made in my former lives. I've been trying to learn to let go of things for years, with some good results and some...well...let's just say I think I'll forever be a work in progress. Looking back is something I have struggled with for as long as I can remember.  I remember being a kid and always thinking to myself, "I wish I wouldn't have done that, said that, watched that, etc."  That has been my mindset about several specific things for a longer period of time than I care to admit.

In relation to my job working with adolescents, I have read a bit about cutting and how it pulls people who injure themselves that way.  As a matter of fact, there's a song by the band Plumb called "Cut" that seems to describe it perfectly.  I have never participated in this kind of self-mutilation, but what I do to myself when I keep looking back almost feels that way. Why would anyone do this to themselves?  A logical question.  Normally I find myself to be fairly logical and practical.  But practicality goes out the window when I decide to stroll down memory lane.  It goes back to what I was saying earlier about being my own worst critic.  I made my bed...I have to lie in it, etc., but now I am punishing myself, which is a sin of pride. Jesus has already forgiven me, so why can't I forgive myself?

 One of my favorite blogs, angiesmithonline.com, posted something that recently that made me want to write about looking back.  I don't want to end up like Lot's wife.  You can read Angie's post about Lot & his wife here.  And while you're at it, read Angie's story when you have time.  It's an amazing story of how faith and faith alone saves us.  Does faith make everything perfect and wonderful? No.  Not at all.  But on those really horrible days, faith is what makes life liveable and worthwhile.

Forget to remember.

It's like that movie with Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet...Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I want to forget to remember, but I'm terrified of losing those memories that once made me so happy.  I had no idea just how bittersweet they would become.   Please Father, help me accomplish this feat that seems so large and looming in front of me. 

Humility

by Charles R. Swindoll

Isaiah 54:4--5; Philippians 3:12—13

"I forget what is behind" is a statement that assures us Paul was not the type to live in the past. He says, in effect, "I disregard my own accomplishments as well as others' offenses against me. I refuse to dwell on that." This requires humility.  This becomes especially clear when you examine Paul's past.

Just look:

Five times I received from the Jews thirty-nine lashes. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, a night and a day I have spent in the deep. I have been on frequent journeys, in dangers from rivers, dangers from robbers, dangers from my countrymen, dangers from the Gentiles, dangers in the city, dangers in the wilderness, dangers on the sea, dangers among false brethren; I have been in labor and hardship, through many sleepless nights, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure. (2 Corinthians 11:24--27)

Think of all the people Paul could have included on his "hate list." But he had no such list. With humility, he forgot what was behind him.  He intentionally disregarded all those wrongs against him.

In order for us to forget wrongs done against us, God must do the erasing.  (See Joseph's example in Genesis 41:51.) Isaiah, the prophet of Judah, puts it in these terms:  "Fear not, for you will not be put to shame.  Do not feel humiliated, for you will not be disgraced; But you will forget the shame of your youth.  And the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. For your husband is your Maker, Whose name is the LORD of hosts; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, Who is called the God of all the earth." (Isaiah 54:4--5)

The Lord God promises us we can forget, because He personally will take the place of those painful memories. To you who have had a shameful youth, to you who have lost your mate, the living Lord

will replace those awful memories with Himself. What a great promise! That makes the forgetting possible. Left to ourselves, no way! But with the promise that God will replace the pain with Himself---His presence, His power, His very life---we can "forget what lies behind."

Identity

It has been a crazy month since my last post. I finally got a job!  I will be working as a case manager with families of children with some kind of mental illness or disability.  This fits in perfectly with the plan to go to grad school for Social Work.  Application to UT for the spring is in the works! 
At church a few weeks ago, we discussed identity. My identity is rooted in my faith. I am a child of the one true King! At all times, I know exactly WHO I am.  But, here on Earth…what am I?  I guess I’m just like anyone else you might meet on any given day. I'm just a girl, as Gwen Stefani sang back in the 90's.  I’m a 31-year-old woman. I love being literate. Reading and writing are literally two of my favorite things to do, and I am so grateful for the teachers who worked with me along the way.  The very first one was my sister Jennifer.  We used to play school in the back bedroom at my Granny and Pop's house as kids.  She is the reason I could read when I was 4.  It is so amazing to see my nieces Jaden and Jordan doing the same thing now.  It takes me back to all those years ago! Back to identity...I’m someone’s daughter, sister, auntie, niece, friend, and Godmother. I have also held the title of wife, but now that’s ex-wife. I prefer first wife though. Juicy stories. Another day.  
I am a college graduate – Hook ‘em Horns! Once upon a time, I was a teacher for 5 years, a nanny, a personal assistant, a cancer information specialist, Gap salesperson, accounting department stooge, file clerk. None of these things actually define me though. I think, what defines us is our character and what we stand for. The quick history of character is that it starts building in childhood. My parents are both deceased, but I am not an orphan, because I know they are alive in me. Thanks to my dad, Bob, I can laugh at a crass joke and appreciate a good whiskey & coke occasionally. During my childhood, we spent hours listening to LPs, which helped me develop good taste in music. At an early age, he introduced me to classic greats like Cream, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin and Jethro Tull. He also read to us a lot, but I think my sisters outgrew it waaaay before I did. While other kids were hearing Goodnight Moon or The Little Engine That Could before bedtime, we were hearing short stories from Edgar Allen Poe like "The Tell-Tale Heart" and "The Raven". I still enjoy reading a good scary story over a horror film any day. 
From my mom, Bobby, I inherited her small stature, quick wit and sharp, honest tongue. Thanks to her, I have a fierce determination and strong will that matches no one I’ve ever seen. That could be perceived negatively as stubbornness or maybe just positive fortitude. I would say that is how most people know me, along with the fact that I usually hold nothing back. I do everything 100%, so if you ask, I’m going to tell you the truth. In my personal life, I place a very high value on honesty, faithfulness and hard work, which there aren't enough of in this world today.  If I find a friend who embodies these characteristics now...I hold on to them.  My actions have shown that I didn't place enough value on these things in the past, but I have lived through it all to tell the tale. What a sad story life can be.  

You are loved!
Chandra

Who died and made you king of anything?

I have a special love for Sara Bareilles.  In particular, I am enamored of her ability to write music that suits me perfectly.  I am completely in love with the song King of Anything.  What a picture of being with someone who thinks they know it all.  We all know someone who thinks they are the bestest, smartest, coolest, biggest, etc. Insert their name here:  _________, who died and made you king of anything?????  To the pseudo-kings I have known, this one is for you.  You will not waste any more of my time with your unsolicited opinions because guess what, I'm not lost or drowning or anything else that requires saving.  It's my turn to decide.

Seriously, where do I meet these people?  I've got to get out more. 


Don't forget to remember that you are loved!
-cjt

Crafty nuggets

So...I'm not very crafty, but I do get the itch every now and then.  No, not the dirty kind.  The CRAFTY kind!  Get-cho mind out 'da gutta!

I am stealing my first craft idea from Real Simple magazine.  LOVE IT!  I've been reading it for probably 10 years now, but this is the first time I have ever actually tried one of the DIY ideas.  Super easy and it only cost me 99 cents!  This is called the dry erase board tutorial.  haha.   I used a frame that I already had at home! I found some cute 12x12 scrapbooking paper at Target for only 99 cents!  There were 8 sheets in the pack, so that is just over 12 cents a piece!  But I digress.  Back to the frame!  Since it's a 10x13 frame, I did have to do a little slice-n-dice on the scrapbook paper.  Xacto knife = new best friend.  Voila! A snazzy little dry erase. Perfect for bible verses or a note to friends or yourself.  You know, whatever. :) Anyway, here it is:

My second little home makeover project comes in the form of a "Home Interiors" (Remember them?) table.  It needed a little TLC after being a fixture in my classrooms for the last 5 years.

Before

 

 

 

  It even has a flip up lid, so I can hide things inside. In the classroom, this was a perfect table for workstations, because my students could keep the materials inside the table and out of sight!  Anyway, this wood + black metal theme doesn't really go with what I have going on in my apartment right now, so I decided to spruce it up.  Just by changing the color scheme, I was able to breathe new life into this little accent piece. It now offers a 'pop' of turquoise just inside my front door.  I added a unique tray that I got in Italy as a perfect accent piece.  Now it holds mail or sunglasses, so I don't forget those important things on my way out the door.  Here's what my little table looks like now:

  It's amazing what a little spray paint can do for you right?!? 

I used Valspar glossy interior/exterior paint.  The color is Mediterranean. 

 

I love the contrast of the turquoise and black together.

And here is the tray I found at a consignment store in Italy.

It was only 3 Euros ($5)!!!!

Until next time, remember you are loved!

-cjt

My strength and my song

The title of this post comes from Isaiah 12:2.  Part of it reads, "Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid.  The Lord is my strength and my song."  He is my strength, so I don't have to be strong. I will always sing His praises (my song).   I need His strength and song because I am walking purely on faith now.

I was having a conversation with two very wise friends last night. (The Sombito's)  The context of our conversation was about fear, anxiety and worry.  I am not worried about my future, because I know Jesus holds me in the palm of His hand.  However, I tend to worry about the day to day stuff...such as, no one has called me for an interview, even though I've been applying for jobs since December, and where should I live & go to grad school?  I was relaying my anxiety to these two wise friends, when Katy told me that I should be grateful that I have direction right now.  Good point, smarty pants! :)  I do know what I want to do, but how do I get there?  Lester said, "Your faith isn't just 'talk' anymore.  You are truly walking in it now. It's for real."  He told me to remember why I stepped out, (because I KNEW that I wasn't supposed to be working in that place anymore!) and keep moving forward.  Right now we don't understand why things are happening the way they are, but God does.  He is weaving it all together so that when we look back and see the whole picture, we can understand, but while we're in it, all we see is just the one thread, so it doesn't make sense!
People always say that the Lord works in mysterious ways.  It's only mysterious because we cannot see the "whole" while we're in it.  We can only see our part, which is minuscule compared to the one who holds me in the palm of His hand.

So back to my anxiety...
I feel the most anxious when I am not in the Word.  This has been a hard week for me because of several things, but the one that matters most is that I was not reading His Word or doing my daily devotionals.  Why? I don't have an answer for that.  I was being lazy, I was rebelling, I was busy with other things.  LAME! I still pray often...I have a running conversation with God going on all the time in my head.  But then I complain about not hearing from Him.  Duh!  Of course I'm not going to hear from Him if I'm not reading His word!  He has shown me several reminders over the last couple of days. When I did finally pick up my devotional and read it yesterday morning, the result was AMAZING! I won't write out everything I missed over the last week, but here's a short excerpt of some of the devos I missed:


"I comprehend you in all your complexity; no detail of your life is hidden from me." 3/17 -Psalm 139:1-4
"I will equip you to get through this day victoriously, as you live in deep dependence on Me. Tomorrow is busy worrying about itself; don't get tangled up in its worry-webs. Trust me one day at a time."  3/18 -
Matthew 6:34

"I speak to you from the depths of your being. Hear Me saying soothing words of Peace, assuring you of My Love. Do not listen to voices of accusation, for they are not from Me."  3/19
"When your mind is stuck on a negative focus, you see neither Me or My gifts. In faith, thank Me for whatever is preoccupying your mind. This will clear the blockage so that you can find Me."  3/20

Wow.  Amazing isn't it.  He already knew what I was going through this week, and He provided the answers, which were right in front of me. I just failed to pick up what He was putting down!  At church yesterday, the youth pastor, Kirk Gentzel, started out the sermon by reading from Matthew 6:25-34. You can read the whole thing here.  I felt the Lord speaking directly to me.  "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?

Throughout the service and when I read through my devos again last night, I saw more and more reminders from Jesus whispering, "Don't worry. Be still. I am with you. You have freedom in Me."
2 Corinthians 5:5-7, 2 Cor. 3:17, Proverbs 16:3, Romans 8:1-2, Isaiah 12:2
The list goes on and on.

Once again, I am reminded (in the little child's voice) that I am weak, but He is strong...Yes Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me, The Bible tells me so.

Have a great week.  You are loved.

-cjt